Have a humorous story or jokes? We are always in need of funny stories that are true.
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Where’s the syrup?
What makes you think that that I did it?
Hi! My adoptive family named me Chippy.
They say I was named after a young hard working hockey player named Kyle Chipchurra but I think Kyle was really named after me.
I work hard and play hard. My favorite food is pancakes. I do get into trouble at times but my family still fusses over me...
I am sooo sorry. I will never, never do it again.
Hah! This is my golden opportunity ...
Ouch! That hurts!
A man staggered into an emergency room of the Regina General Hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Immediately the doctor on duty asked him what happened.
“Well, it’s like this," said the man, “ I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white sticking out of its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake.”
““Just what did you do?” asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail once again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours! After that, I don't remember much.”
A Newfie travels across Canada to see the Pacific coast. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay, but first he decides to find a job.
He walks into the Macmillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an ‘experienced’ logger. They just happen to be looking for someone; but first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.
"See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er."
The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"Lord tunderin', dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie.
Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!
The foreman follows up with one more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'."
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. A little envious, he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. The foreman thinks to himself, I’ll prove that he is a idiot. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."
The Newfie walks around the tree once looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. The Newfie states, "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure."
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot and cleaning it in the gravel. He replies, "Cuz someone took a shit behind it!"
Hitting the jackpot
The city of Winnipeg police department introduced a policy to recognize outstanding drivers several years ago. The police department would offer various tokens of appreciation on different days of the week.
While cruising down Portage and Main, officer Shopansky followed a vehicle which seemed to have above average driving skills. He flipped on his siren and police lights to stop and reward the driver.
As officer Shopansky approached the vehicle, the driver rolled down the window and asked, “Is there a problem officer?”
“No, there’s no problem. I just noticed that you were driving so well that I wanted to give you this.” The officer hands over a crisp new $100 bill and asks, “So, what are you going do with the money?”
The driver takes a minute to think then says, “Well, uhh… I’ll probably get myself a license.”
The man in the passenger seat immediately notices an arising problem and pipes up, “Don’t pay attention to him officer, he’s like that only when he’s drunk!”
Suddenly another guy who was asleep in the back seat wakes up to see the policeman, exclaims, “I told you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”
As things were not bad enough already, a voice from the trunk yells, “Are we over the border yet?”
An RCMP officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie the carburetor was frozen.
"Well, piss on it," the Mountie said.
"Can't," replied the rider.
The helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburetor and the bike soon fired up.
A few days later the local detachment received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP.
What are those?
There he meets an Alberta rancher and gets talking.
Missed the message
A retired couple, Joe and Verna, moved back to their home town of Moose Jaw from the West Coast. Winter came and frequent snow storms were passing through. The couple had a big lifestyle readjustment.
The newcomers soon learned that it was necessary to listen to the local radio station as to where snow removal would be occurring. City would give instruction as to which side of the street that the cars should be parked. Odd or even house numbers would be announced.
Upon hearing the snow removal announcement, Verna would go out and move their car. Joe seldom paid attention and would continue reading the Moose Jaw Herald and Times.
One morning, the couple were sitting and having their early morning coffee. The announcer on the radio station began to report that snow removal would begin in their area early next morning. Halfway through the message, there was an interruption in electrical service and the radio went out.
Verna exclaimed to her husband, “ And now what am I to do? I don’t know which side of the street is being cleared. Joe, which side of the street am I supposed to park the car on?”
Joe looked puzzled and scratched his head. He looked at his wife and said, “Why are you concerned about moving the car? Isn’t it safe in the garage?”
A four year old boy was spending a lengthy stay in the bathroom. Overcome with concern, the boy’s mother checks to see if her son is in trouble. She walks into the bathroom and finds him looking at a book while he is sitting on the toilet.
The mother asks, “Billy are you alright? You have been in the bathroom for some time.”
Billy looks up and replies, “Oh, I’m okay, Mom. I just can’t seem to go ‘doody’!”
The mother is about to leave the bathroom when she sees her four year old son place the book on his lap and whacks the top his head with the palm of his hand. He resumes his composer and continues to look at his book. A few moments later he repeats the same procedure.
Confused, the mother asks,” Billy, why are you hitting yourself on your forehead?”
Billy looks up at his mother and says, “Well, I thought if it works on the ketchup bottle it just might work on me.”
Oh! So slow!
I was thoroughly stressed out and needed time out from work. I assessed the situation and I knew that it would be difficult for me to leave my work. I thought about all the excuses that I could use to tell my Boss. Finally an idea popped into my head. I would pretend that I went nuts, hang from the ceiling and make funny noises.
My co-worker who was slightly on the slow side came in and saw me hanging upside down. She asked, “What in the world are you doing?” I replied, “I am pretending to be the light bulb so that our Boss can give me some time off.”
Several minutes after my co-worker left, my Boss came in and saw me hanging from the ceiling and asked, “What the hell are you doing?” I gasped, “ I am a light bulb!” The Boss retorts, “You are totally stressed out. Go home and take a couple of days off!”
As I was walking out, my co-worker was heading out of the office as well. I asked her, “Where are you going?” She quickly replies, “I am going home. I can’t work in the dark!”
Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't feel very well. Waking up on that morning, I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'
I thought…. Well, that marriage is for you, but the kids…. they will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday. S0 what do you say if we go out to lunch; just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane. That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day…. We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner.'
‘0K,’ I said.
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment…. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…. followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers.
They all sang 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there….oh....on the couch…. naked!
Dr. Louis Simard arrived in Canada recently and was making his first round at the Pasqua Hospital in Regina. The head nurse on the second floor asked Doctor Simard to accompany her and see an elderly woman, Mrs. Polanski in Ward 5. The senior was suffering from a hip injury.
Dr. Simard introduced himself and politely asked the elderly woman how long she had been bedridden.
Confused by the French accent and the question, Mrs. Polanski hesitated and blushed. Then she stammered, “Why?...that would have been... Well, I have not been bedridden more then twenty years . That’s probably just before my husband suffered a heart attack and then died!”
A visit to the nursing home
Just keep on working
Trick to ice fishing
It was a cold winter day. Harold, a well seasoned and experienced fisherman, walked out onto the frozen waters of Lady Lake which is situated in east central Saskatchewan. He cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his lure, and waited patiently for a bite. An hour had passed without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole only several meters away from the older fisherman.
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a large tiger trout. Harold couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large trout. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, Harold couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What the hell is that?" Harold asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"Look don’t pull that crap on me," said the seasoned fisherman, "I can't understand a word what you are saying. Tell me your secret!"
The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Who's at the wheel
Two elderly women were out driving a brand new Chev Impala down Young Street in Toronto. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it! I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things... She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and says, "I thought you were driving!"
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I am upset with my wife. I think I'm gonna divorce her. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.”
Charles slowly sips his beer and then thoughtfully says, “You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.”
Guilty before charged
A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles west of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show and I didn't want to be late.
The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken driver from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no freakin way I can pass that test."
Giving the taxi driver the wrong impression
We were dressed, and ready to go out to a wedding. I turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.
My wife phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat I had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, “He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”
Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in the UK. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands with ten sheets of paper towels, he loudly announced, "At Oxford, I have learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the washroom in a cloud of self-gratitude.
The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. He dried his hands with only one paper towel and he loudly announced to no one in particular, “At Cambridge, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I also learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious.” He then strode from the bathroom with a sense of satisfaction.
The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, “In Saskatchewan, we learn not to piss on our hands.”
World record technological findings
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, "Moose Jaw Times Herald", a local newspaper in Saskatchewan reported the following, "After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush fields near Moose Jaw, Ole Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Saskatchewan had already gone wireless."
Not to be outdone
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."
The Canadian finally speaks out, "Well, well, will you look at that! I'm getting a fax from my business associate."
Take care of those puppies
A couple traveled across Canada from east to west. Their trip ended with a few days to spare at Kitsalano Beach in West Vancouver. Relaxing and sun bathing for most of the day, the woman decided to go for an extended swim out into the bay.
She returned back to the beach with the tide and stood up suddenly. Water rushed out of her top which held her very large set. The top suddenly snapped, and fell into the strong current. Her top was gone before the woman knew what had happened.
She soon realized that her breasts were exposed after hearing loud cheers and clapping. Quickly she crossed her arms trying to cover her large boobs and began running along the shore away from the crowd. Suddenly from nowhere appeared a very young girl running beside her.
The young girl exclaimed, "Mam! Mam! Please stop! Don't drown them! Don't go back in! Please lady, give me one of your puppies! I want the one with the pointy pink nose!"
Why the chanting
A young man was walking down a road in his neighborhood and, as he walked past a brick building with a tall white fence around it, he heard a crowd of people chanting “Twelve, twelve, twelve” over and over again.
Curiosity getting the best of him, he tried to look up over the fence to see what was going on but it was too tall. Suddenly, he spotted a missing board in the fence.
He quickly put his head into the empty space and saw some old people sitting on lawn chairs. They were all chanting. Suddenly a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the butt! He staggered to the side. The old people began chanting, “Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen…”
Ask a stupid question... get a stupid answer!
I have several large dogs and I was buying two large bags of Dog Chow at Costco. Standing in line to check out, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!) On impulse, I told her no; I was starting ‘The Purina Diet’ again.
Although, I probably shouldn't, as I had ended up in hospital the last time I tried .But I did loose 30 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both of my arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you felt hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I felt confidant enough to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, and in particular a good looking guy who was standing behind the inquisitive woman.
Horrified, she asked me if I had ended up in intensive care because of the dog food.
I told her no; I was standing on a street scratching my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the guy standing behind her was going to offer his help to me but instead he staggered to the door choking with laughter.
It’s all in the bag
An old lady went into a large bank in Edmonton, Alberta with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the president of the bank in order to open a savings account. She said that she had a lot of money.
After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president. The president of the bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She said $165,000.
Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money. The old lady said she made bets. The president, quite surprised, asked: “What kind of bets?”
The old lady said: “For example, I can bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.
The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win! The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?”
“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.
The old lady said to him: “Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10 AM with my lawyer as a witness, if it’s alright with you”.
“No problem” said the president.
That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.
On the next day, 10 AM sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president.
The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything. The old lady came closer and asked him if she could touch them.
“Of course please do!”, said the president, “Given the fact that there was so much money involved, you must be 100% sure.”
The lady, smiling, started to do so..
The president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall. He asked the old lady “What is he doing?”
She answered, “It’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 AM today, I would be holding the testicles of a bank’s president in my hands!”
A Canadian at a Dallas bar
A visiting Canadian to Dallas gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar. He proudly announces that his wife has just gave birth to a typical Canadian baby boy weighing in at 25 pounds.
Everyone shakes their head in disbelief that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canadian just shrugs, “That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy.”
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of “Wow!” were heard. One woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The Canadian father takes a slow swig of his Molson Canadian, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, belches, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “We had him circumcised.”
A Canadian was observing teaching methods in several African countries.
In one school, she found the children doing a science lesson, timing the swing of a pendulum. The lesson had evidently been prepared in the US as the children were counting “Mississippi one, Mississippi two, Mississippi three ...”
After the lesson the Canadian gave a talk and mentioned that if children in her country were doing this experiment, they would probably use a Canadian word like “Saskatchewan” to do the timing.
The next day, the Canadian happened to drop in on the class and found them still timing the pendulum's swing, but today they were counting “Saskatche one, Saskatche two ...”
The student and his professor
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
Stay off the exercise bike
My neighbor, Sandra, had a rather embarrassing experience in an attempt to save her favorite Persian cat from going completely deaf. She took her pet to the local veterinarian where he did a thorough examination.
The vet reached a conclusion that the cat’s hearing was superficial and was only affected by its heavy growth of hair in its ears. The vet then recommended that my neighbor go to the drug store and ask for some hair remover lotion to remove all the hair inside the cat’s ears.
Sandra walked up to her local pharmacist and asked for some hair remover lotion. Before Sandra was able to explain, the lady behind counter responded by offering several lotions pertaining to specific removal of hair from various regions of the body.
The pharmacist stated that she liked several specific brands depending on body hair location. “If you use this one on your underarms I recommend that you refrain from using underarm deodorant for at least three days.”
My neighbor responded that she wasn’t intending to use it on her underarms but on her ...
The lady pharmacist quickly interjected, “ If you are to use this one on your legs, stay away from bright sunlight for the next week as you may get a severe sunburn.”
Sandra again tried to explain, “I will not be using it on my legs; but I do intend to use it on my Persian....”
Instantly, the lady pharmacist interjected once again and advised my neighbor, “I’d recommend that you stay off the exercise bike for at least one week if you are to use any of these products on any sensitive parts of your body!’
You must be in Management
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or what you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a quarter. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a dime a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I think I remember the guy you're talking about."